Generation clash

The relationship between new wife and mother-in-law is never easy, especially in these rapidly changing times.

A scene in a recent popular Vietnamese film "Blog of a daughter-in-law". The film also features the tough relationship between new wife and mother-in-law.

“I cannot stand it anymore,” my closest friend Phuong cries over the phone, “We’ll rent an apartment and move out soon.” Phuong has told me this countless times and it is always because of her mother-in-law.

Phuong is a pleasant woman, and I’m sure many other people who know her would agree with me. She has many friends; her husband loves her and other family members rarely have any complaints about her. What is surprising, is that her mother-in-law is also a very nice woman. But the two nice women cannot get along with each other, and often have fiery arguments over the smallest things.

Their situation started to get worse after Phuong gave birth to a lovely son a year ago. Phu, Phuong’s husband, had hoped that this beautiful event would bring the two women closer together, but to his dismay, his new son drove his two nearest and dearest apart.

Leaving behind previous disagreements over dressing, cooking, spending money or decorating the house, the two women now set about debating the well-being of the latest family member: how to feed him; how to bath him properly; how to treat some common problems like burping, and hiccups, etc.

Grandma is always confident in her huge experience in child-rearing and wants to use them for her dear grandson. Mum, however, is skeptical about “old-fashioned” methods and prefers to put her trust in scientific methods gained from modern books and the internet. The latest argument occurred yesterday when the busy mother wanted to stop breast-feeding her twelve-month-old son but granny didn’t agree. The two both have their reasons but cannot reach a compromise.

The relationship between mother and daughter-in-law has always been a sensitive one in Vietnam. As the country finds its place in the global economy and young people increasingly look to the West for inspiration as to how to live their lives, the generation clash between mother and daughter-in-law is becoming more serious.

With this in mind, 28-year-old Linh from Hanoi, persuaded her husband to move to their own house right after their wedding. This was the “best way to keep a good relationship with the in-laws,” according to Linh.

“Although I got along very well with my future parents-in-law I was still afraid that different generations living under the same roof might not get along so well. Now I see that I made the right decision. Living separately gives us more freedom and a better chance to have a happy life. I can come home late at night, hold big and noisy parties at the weekends or listen to my favourite rock songs at top volume without fear of disturbing my in-laws while they are also enjoying their own hobbies like keeping pets or collecting antiques,” she says.

“I still visit them a lot and am try to win their love.”

Ha Giang, a student at Hanoi Economics University, does not have such a privileged position.

“My husband is the only son so my parents-in-law wanted us to stay with them,”she says.

“They said that it was the family’s tradition. But after some months, I really felt exhausted with all the work they wanted me to do. I had to get up early and prepare breakfast for the whole family of seven, three generations, and I had to stay at home all weekend to host guests.”

Now Giang has left her big family in Hai Duong Province and is staying in Hanoi so she can do an MA course. “I will find a job here after finishing the course and settle down here. My husband has agreed to move here with me.”

Clearly, it’s tough for new wives, but what do their mother-in-laws have to say about it?

“Although I can’t deny that my daughter-in-law is a good wife, and good mum, there is still a big gap between us regarding social opinions and lifestyle,” Phuong’s mother-in-law says.

“Maybe living apart will improve the situation though I will miss them a lot.”

Another mother-in-law, Dau, says she can’t understand the behaviour of many young wives, especially her son’s.

“I cannot sympathize with them because they seem less responsible and less respectful towards their parents-in-law than we were,” Dau says.

“My daughter-in-law is too self-centred and stubborn. Though I really want to live near my children and grandchildren like our parents did, it seems impossible these days.”

It seems for some women of different generations, there’s no room for compromise in the home, but perhaps they can do it from a distance.